If you are experiencing any form of abuse or you’re unsure whether your partner’s behaviour qualifies as abuse, there are practical steps you can take. These steps can help you, and those around you, better understand your situation and determine what support and safeguards may be put in place.
Start a diary
In many cases, domestic abuse and controlling or coercive behaviour are made up of small, repeated acts that may seem minor on their own, but are extremely harmful when taken together. Start keeping a diary to document incidents of concerning or abusive behaviour, even if they might seem minor to you now.
Record the date, time and as many accurate details as you can for each event. Try to be succinct but at the same time keep a record of the details and any evidence in support. Note also the impact of the particular incident on you and your children.
Talk to someone you trust
Share what you’ve written with someone you trust and ask for a second opinion.
It is very common for abusers to isolate their victims and make them fearful that they will not be believed. Even worse, it is common to convince their victim that they are actually the abuser in the situation. If you’re unsure whether what’s happening is abuse, or you are being gaslit into believing that you yourself might be acting in an abusive manner, talk to people that you trust and focus on how they respond over the words of your abuser.
People in abusive or controlling relationships are often slowly isolated not just from their friends but also their family. Reconnecting with people close to you not only takes away the abuser’s power, it can give you an incredibly valuable perspective.
If you don’t have someone you trust to share this with or don’t feel comfortable doing so, you can always speak to a family law solicitor. They have a duty of confidentiality to you so cannot share anything you tell them with anyone else unless you consent to it.
Set up a code word
If you don’t feel ready to confront the abuse directly, make sure someone close to you understands your situation. Together, establish a code word or phrase that you can use if you need urgent help.
For example, you might agree to call and ask, “How was that new restaurant?” – a phrase that signals to your trusted person that you need them to come to you or take immediate action.
Ask for help
In addition to being fearful of repercussions, victims of abuse often feel ashamed and helpless, especially if their abuser has worn down their self-esteem or made them feel responsible for the situation, trauma bonded and co-dependent. This is a common tactic in abusive relationships.
It’s important to know that you are not alone, you are a victim, you do not deserve this and you are not to blame. Sadly, domestic abuse is increasingly common and can happen to anyone -regardless of age, gender, or background.
There’s no shame in seeking help. If you don’t feel comfortable going to the police or speaking to a solicitor, there are many charities and support organisations that offer free and confidential advice. A few examples are included below.
- Womens Aid
- Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge – 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support.
Please speak to the family team at B P Collins today for personalised advice and support. You can get in touch by emailing enquiries@bpcollins.co.uk or call 01753 889995.
